S O M E   J O K E S   I   K N O W

1. The one about the rabbi and the duck
2. The one about the bartender and the rope
3. The one about Helen Keller
4. The one about the black guy, the white guy, and the asian guy
5. The one about blonde girls
6. The one about Michael Jackson
7. The one about Amish people
8. Charlie Tipton

S O M E   P E O P L E   I   H A V E   B E E N
I N   L O V E   W I T H   T H I S   W E E K

1. Nicole Krauss
2. The almost-blonde girl in my Shakespeare class
3. Michael Ian Black
4. Katie Walton
5. The lady in the financial aid office who fixed my student account
6. Mariah Keith
7. Reese Witherspoon
8. Mark Ruffalo
9. The smiley teenage girl outside of the movie theater
10. My cat

D E A L    B R E A K E R S

1. Smoking
2. Girls who call their parents by their first names
3. Drug use
4. Using five-dollar words in casual conversation
5. Pretense
6. Girls who can't or won't understand sports
7. Girls who won't, at least occasionally, be the big spoon
8. Bad dye jobs
9. Dishonesty
10. Sport drinking

S O M E   F O O D S   I   W O N ' T
E A T   N O   M A T T E R   W H A T

1. Onions, in any form
2. Mayonnaise
3. Ranch Dressing
4. Bell Peppers
5. Cream Cheese
6. Cheesecake
7. Honey Mustard

T H I N G S   I   S O M E T I M E S   S A Y   I N T O
M I C R O P H O N E S   W H E N   I   A M   F E E L I N G
P A R T I C U L A R L Y   U N O R I G I N A L

1. Testing
2. Testing
3. 1, 2, 3.